🧿
pretend.
my most simple desires is to go back, to be with them (i know naught of who they are exactly) and to be on that boat once again. i wish to be the man i used to be and love my fellow crewmen and captain as i love my lovers.
7/13/20 3PM. as you can see, i've finally changed the html on the site for the most part; i'm very much pleased with how it works; also the art on the side is in fact mine, its what i want you to assume i look like, james fitzjames and in all honesty, a really shitty francis crozier. i also added an original content page, still a wip but it will include writings and characters i have.
anyways, once again, it seems my sexual thoughts have taken over my head, specifically the one from the last post; to understand the context please read it; im quite proud of it in all honesty.
he cuts right through me with those words, francis digs his head into my neck, then bites at me; softly; but i know it will leave a mark, a alpha marking its mate; dogs in heat.
"francis please!" i let out, he laughs into my tender flesh and kisses up to my jaw, tongue gently graving at it as well.
"what is it, lad? desperate already?" what a mouth! i can only nod, the idea of speaking is ever so diffcult for me. francis can tell that, and smiles, moving his hand down and unbottning my pants, already finding my underwear and wiggling his fingers to my cunt; he sighs with love in his eyes.
"eager little thing" francis murmurs, then, he manages my pants completely off; its cold, but i don't mind it; his cock is hard beneath his clothes; oh to i wish to have him inside of me! "mmhm i can just smell your cunt, hungry for yer captain's cock?" good christ i am! his harsh hand moves to my clit, pressing down on it as aother finger makes it way to my entrance, large; then one enters, slowly, testing the waters; it fills me up ever so well.
"like that now? got to have you nice and slicked up first before y' get your reward for being such a good steward, a good little boy arentcha?" my cunt easily reacts to that, spasming at those filthy words, i nod into him, moving about slightly; his other hand steadies me however. "now now, patience lad, need me to spank you like a boy?"
"n-no francis..." his smile is something i like for.
"good boy, my darling good boy" his praise is ever so wonderful on my lonesome ears, another finger makes its way to my cunt, working me open with the force of a true captain of a navy ship. "you take my fingers so well now don't you? mmhm, you strech so well against m' fingers, gonna take my cock like this as well, lad? perfect boy" another finger and i'm finally half sobbing, the pleasure is overwhelming, francis lays kisses on my skin and curls them inside of me; the whole boat could've heard how i screamed from just his hand alone.
then, he removes them, and i feel ever so lonely--i desire him, i need him to be complete; but then i hear him unbuttoning himself, and his hard warm cock is up against my slit, francis easily fits inside of me, i'm wet beyond belief, the noises my cunt makes when he moves in and out makes my arousal grow; all i can manage is high pitched whimpers and pleads for more.
to be finished tomorrow.
7/11/20 3PM. its been a while hasnt it? in all honesty i've been quite busy in my personal life, im doing some schooling over the summer break and also have just been very unmotivated. but im back it seems, and once again; i am yearning. it came to me while i was attempting to take a shower (keyword, attempt; i hate my body very much and everytime i see it i want to rip it apart). the idea of sex is something that always has, made me feel things, as most people do, im defiantly not a virgin anymore; but its a hard subject for me to deal with. i was sexually assaulted at a young age (12) and ever since then its been very hard for me to properly understand my sexual feelings, i repress them very much and constantly feel dirty for it; even if im constantly horny. im told its okay to feel sexual feelings and that im not dirty, but i dont believe them; its funny really; im as repressed as most of the men i think about. anyways, sexual feelings. on board british naval ships it was strictly forbidden to engage in buggery and being caught masturbating was something that brought great shame to the man behind it; even if everybody else felt the same way.
my thought, is to be a steward for francis; even if jopson is the actual steward for him i can dream; late in the night i come in to return the landry, my hands warm with his clothing; he isnt anywhere around, so i find it easy to become comfortable, i open up his drawers and begin to put them away; when i hear a noise coming from his room; a groan, francis never sleeps anymore; the stress and booze keep him up, and even then he stays in his seat; my thoughts turn into concern and i quickly rush into his room. what if he was hurt? stabbed? sufering? to be a steward is to serve your superior, and make sure he is safe from harm and bend to his will, and i will do as it states; i open up the door to fined francis in his bed, pants down (not below his knees though), and cock out; oil on his hand as he works away at himself; i let out a gasp, but he knows i'm there. he turns to see me with a red face.
"i-im sorry sir!"
"shut the damn door mr dooley!" he lets out, i do as im told and almost slam it; he's thick, bulcky in nature and oh so wonderful to look like, a true package for a captain like him. i stand besides the door; hearing him button up his pants before he comes out, still red faced. my eyes are hot, the attempts at holding back the tears of sorryness hurts so much.
"mr dooley" his voice is harsh around the edges, tell me, why in gods name did you enter my room without explictly being let in?" i can tell he's holding back his anger, the booze is against his tongue probably.
"i thought you were hurt, sir, i-i came in with your clothes and i heard you well...i assumed to be pain and i wanted to make sure you were not under ill harm" francis sighs, sitting down at last.
"c'mere lad" to hear his voice makes me feel so warm to the touch, i stand beside him, he tuts at me and pats his lap; "on my lap lad, seems y' need to be told a few things" he's a much bigger man than i am, and the idea is so morally wrong; to sit upon your captains lap after finding him about to spend? oh i hope god is not to be watching! but yet, i still do, i look down at myself, arousal floods my body and i pray to god it doesnt show; me growls under his breath.
"look at me lad" he commands of me, i do so; his face becomes tender for a moment, then without warning, his lips are against mine, they are booze ridden, tough and filled with such a masculine scent that it brings me to yield quite quickly, i let him violate my mouth with his tongue, he is my captain after all, i live to serve him and his own desires.
"y make me feel so damn lonely, mr dooley" he says after breaking away, holding me agaisnt his leg with his much stronger hands than mine, "tender boyflesh you've caught, like a lady with those eyes you've got, speak like one as well, but yet, still a man in every since of the word" his kisses move to my neck, this time soft, carefully planned, "i think about ye when i jerk myself, mr dooley; takin' you across my desk or on the deck; lettin' the men see who owns you. i've seen the way they look at y', thinkin' that they have you undert the finger of them, but naught; you know who y' belong to, dontcha lad?" for a moment i can only manage a whimper.
"you, sir" i let out, he laughs into my skin, what a wonderful feeling it is to have a man so close to you!
"i give you full perimission to call me francis, mr dooley, lad like you deserves that right concidering how good he is, hm?" to be good, that is all i strive to be, and to hear it just melts the world away from me, nothing left except francis; i whine out, begining to grind against his leg; its obvious he is smirking through the tone of his voice
"perfect little steward, arentcha mr dooley? servin' me like im your only thing that keeps y' afloat, praisin' me and defendin' me with every breath you got in y', christ any captain would kill to have you" his voice becomes darker then, filled with more lust, "can imagine how wet y' get from this, thinkin' about me when you spend yourself in private? want you to only think about me, little lad, when you jerk off at night"
perhaps i'll finish this later, but im quite tired
6/23/20 1PM. im ever so lonely, i've noticed, and it physically hurts; i cant get out of bed sometimes due to the fact of how alone i am; it sounds pathetic (tis is), but its the truth. i miss affection, i miss having somebody around me. it would be nice if francis was to be around me, holding me tightly as we are in his awful bed, its small but being that close to him just in order to stay on it is a wonderful idea in my head. for him to kiss my neck softly, pressing me closer into his chest..christ i'd adore that!
"pretty little lad, y' comfortable?" i nod slightly, he laughs a low dirty laugh and presses his head into my neck, begining to suck upon it; "good, mmhm; such a strong man y' are, fitzjames doesnt derserve a wonderful lieutenant" francis says into my ear, before i can even comprehend his words he flips me to face him, and kisses me deeply; holding my face in his big hands.
"i love you, francis" my voice sounds weak, but its filled with affection, the usual face of francis crozier; a bitter one, is happy and he presses his forehead to mine.
"love you as well, my dearest boy"
i'm quite lonely, arent i?
6/22/20 1PM. i plan on changing up the html on the site soon, but the first thing i had to do was fix up the way the dates were done, instead having the first at the top its for the bottom. it makes it easier on my part, and perhaps on everybody elses. now, it seems my moby dick love has faded a bit, not completely but terror and erebus were in my dreams last night.
i was sat in one of the cabin's, it was cold as usual northen weather is, it wasnt one of the petty officers cabin's though, seemed more like a stewards than anything else due to the small space of it, a curtain the only thing keeping me away from the rest. then came fitzjames, i seemed to be on erebus then. he was dressed completely un uniform, bicorner hat and all, i stand to attention and ask what he needs.
"mr dooley, you seemed not at work, i had come simply to see where you were" work? the dream had not given me information about that, my brain in that body went into a frenzy.
"i apolgize sir...i-i didnt know" perhaps i was a steward of his, fitzjames sighed, coming closer to me.
"its quite odd of you not to be tidying my things...is something, bothering you?" i was his steward!
"n-no, i dont believe anything is bothering me..." i reply, his eyes had much command to them, and my mood melted into subservience.
"seems there is, no need to lie, mr. dooley" he purred out, somebody ever so close to mine as he moved a gloved hand up my chestl "were you ignoring your duties just so you could get some affection, dear? such a naughty boy you are to do that" i whimper for a moment, i take on that idea of ignoring duties and rub against his body.
"please don't flog me sir...i'll be a good steward; all i need is a firm hand" fitzjames laughed into my neck.
"a firm hand? do you need to be spanked, darling? must i pull you onto my lap and have you count?" good christ! those words sounded ever so sweet to my ears.
then it ended
6/21/20 4PM. my thoughts have changed, suddenly, its seems my love for herman melville's moby dick has come back kicking and screaming, i joke of course, i adore this book more than anything else. it was my introduction back into reading and writing, as well as critical analysis, it also has a place in my heart due to my historical english teacher being a very good man who has taught me a lot about myself, my writing and both of us loving moby dick very much. now, my thoughts on this are different than most, moby dick is a very harsh book, but my heart is always to ahab. i do love him, alot, i'm specifically writing a book just to SHOW how much i love him. but i digress, i wish to kiss him, ahab that is. i have a specific image of him in my head, gregory peck in the 1957 movie, but with a mid more wrinkles and gray hair. i want him to grab me by the back of my head and pull me into a kiss after sitting in his cabin, pushing me into the wall.
"lad.." he breaths into my ear, "makin' me try to give up my hunt of the white whale, eh? sending eros upon old ahab just to get attention?" it doesnt sound like he is mad, more tired than anything else as he bites into my neck, it hurts like hell.
"then he'll show you what for than, treat ye like the whale that haunts me himself"
boats always seem to create lust within the men
6/21/20 12AM. i have decided to do times as well, for my thoughts cannot be contained to just one day at a time. i believe that to be quite unfair to myself, to limit my thoughts and ideas. but i digress, once again my head yearns to the franklin expediction. one of my favorite pieces of the terror (2018) is how they protray the cabin's quarters, the meetings; i know they are all dead and gone as francis stated, but i in fact, do not care for that. i'd like to be at one of those dinners, before sir john was to die, before the ice held both erebus and terror like an upset child from the dark. to sit next to my fellow lieutenants and men, if seating is to be concerned, i believe to be sat between (i believe it was little) and crozier, i'd be able to look at fitzjames, but not head on for my love to be obvious. he is quite a handsome man, a known seducer and chaser of love, i try naught to gaze at him to much; picking at my food as sir john talks, and eventually fitzjames begins another one of his stories; he has only a few but he is keen to repeat them. i can tell, no, i KNOW francis hates this, he doesnt look it but through his eyes, i can tell he wants to hit fitzjames over the head. we get it! you were shot by a chinese sniper, now get on with it! as the story comes to an end, i can feel both of their eyes looking through me, both francis and fitzjames, my face is to go slightly pink at this, and i am called to stay afterwards, even as the other lieutenants leave to terror, or to stay upon erebus. sir john is to leave soon after, and i am left with crozier ande fitzjames. i take a deep breath in.
"is there a reason that i am left with you, sirs?" i am to ask, not any sort of annoyance in my voice; not towards my commanders! francis looks at fitzjames, mildly annoyed already and probably liquored up.
"james and i had a...propasition'n for you, lad" christ almighty, were they coming onto him? surely not! but yet... "tis of most important circumstances"
"no need to daddle, francis"
"i am naught daddling, james! do not even start with your wording with me or so help me" an old married couple they were! oh to be in the middle of that...fitzjames rolled his eyes.
"you are on my ship francis! you cease when i tell you to cease!" a scoff from francis, how the hell did sir john even keep his head on straight with these two loose cannons? "but that isnt the point, our bickering will drag on this idea" finally, a reasonable decision! francis let out a strangled 'aye', and fitzjames smiled.
"now, mr. dooley, you are of course allowed to deny us this, for this isnt out of a command, i give you full permission to deny us. however, let me make my case before you do so," heat is to run up my neck, and i nod with a open mouth. "will you be ours?"
"excuse me?" it is out of curiosity i ask this, for i am a simple man, i've never known love and thus this idea confounds me. francis chuckled,
"would you like to have us, have our way with you, lad? out of love of course" i choke on my own breathing, to have their way? buggery? it is only natural my face goes red as i cover my mouth.
"are you asking to bugger me, sirs?"
"perhaps" fitzjames took over once again, much to the visable anger of francis crozier; "we both enjoy you, very much, mr. dooley, eyes of wonder and such a handsome face; we love you, lad, all we wish is to show you that, buggery may be involved, but nobody is to know of course." nobody is to know...
"i'd like that..very much sirs" even my own hot breath against my hand gets me going.
"you may use our christian names, REDACTED " at last, fitzjames kisses me, and before long i can feel francis against my back, leaving kisses upon my neck.
"such a pretty boy, you are very very pretty, lad"
i do wish for affection once again.
6/20/20. the begining of this man's desire will start easy; my recent thoughts have been about the terror and its fellow ship; erebus. i think naught much about much anything else anymore; i'd like to be with francis once again; a soft man he is! sadness covers his face but when i am to come in, to deliver the news from erebus of a meeting (from which i am a part of), he smiles at my company.
"come here, darling boy" he tells me, i, being a good sailor obey without thought, francis; my wonderous francis. his fingers work around my hands as he presses them to his hard lips, kissing them. "i adore you everyday"
"i do to you as well, francis" i reply with soft eyes, "for you are mine, and i am yours" . francis pulls me closer with those strong arms of his, and kisses me through my cravat; pressing his noise into my face.
"pretty as a lady..." he says into my skin, "darling boy, my wonderful lad".
i miss him every day
